On Miscarriage and Infertility

As parents of a three year old we have received the usual 'when are you having another kid?' question. While said quite innocently, it brings with it a lot of weight. It doesn't have an easy straightforward answer and if I answer with the truth, the questioner usually feels quite bad. But if you don't want the truth then you shouldn't have asked the question. 

The truth is that we have been trying for some time to have another baby. After a year and a half of trying, we fell pregnant back in January, but that pregnancy ended up in a miscarriage a short time after woulds. To say we were devastated is more than an understatement. I don’t think i have ever felt so low. It just would have been super perfect timing, we had been trying for so long and we’ve just gone through so much with Lulu being sick, it just felt like time for us to have a bit of happy. But it wasn’t meant to be and that is never easy to take on board. It sucks big time.

Miscarriage and Infertility

Three things about miscarriage and infertility that have stuck with me from this time are:
  1. It is ok to be sad. I heard somewhere that you’d never think to tell someone that they shouldn’t be happy because someone else is happier ie ‘I know you received a job offer today but it’s not as great as x’s job so you’ve no right to be happy’. That just never happens, we always celebrate happiness, yet we think it’s ok to say to people ‘I know someone who miscarried at 6 months, you were only x weeks’. It totally invalidates your experience. You have a right to be sad.
  2. It isn't because of anything you've done. Mrs Paulie who I follow on instagram said she had trouble falling pregnant with her first two kids and with the second was told not to exercise while trying to get pregnant, yet when she fell pregnant with her third she was running daily. She shared this little nugget that ‘if it is meant to be it will be’. As we like to tell Lulu when she has an accident, ‘things happen’. It isn’t your fault. It’s not because you went running, or because you ate something or because you haven’t swallowed enough folate. Hold your head high when your friend with 5 kids asks if you’ve tried eating healthy and giving up alcohol. Crack addicts fall pregnant. It’s not anything you’ve done.
  3. This article by Hey Natalie Jean has also been supremely helpful. Whether or not you have a friend whose struggling with fertility, Natalie’s advice on what to say can also be followed for many of life’s problems - ‘I’m so sorry this is happening/has happened to you’ is probably the best thing you could say to anyone about any bad thing happening. 
We have begun testing and where this will take us we don’t know. Things happen or don’t happen as the case may be and it’s not because of anything we’ve done. It’s just how it is. It sucks and it’s ok to feel sad. Have you experienced miscarriage and/or infertility? If you have any tips on how to cope please share. 

Ps - I also wrote about our miscarriage prior to falling pregnant with Lulu here and here.